Last week someone I went to high school with reached out on social media to let me know that a local birth and newborn photographer was looking for a newborn under 10 days old for a photoshoot. For having them as the model, we would get a selection of the prints for free, and we gave permission for her to use them in her portfolio – seemed like a great opportunity! Which it was/is, don’t get me wrong .. I just could have gone about it a little better on the day.

A few things they ask you to do before bringing a newborn to set is to have them awake for two hours prior. Sounds simple enough but you know if you have a newborn, ESPECIALLY one under 10 days old, they do not have a routine yet and your day consists of feeding on demand, cleaning up huge amounts of poo, wondering whether you’re a good enough mother to keep it alive for another day, and wishing you could have a glass of wine.

Evi slept for 3 hours prior to shoot. And I slept for 2 of those hours, because hey when baby sleeps, I’m going to try and get a nap too. Chris actually woke us when he got home from work to take us, and so she was wide awake and STARVING.

I have a very hungry baby – a very, very chilled and content baby who as long as you feed her enough, she rarely cries or cares who is holding her. Unfortunately on this occasion I couldn’t feed her long enough as the shoot had to be really quick, and thus started the worst newborn photoshoot in history ..

she shat on the white sofa as soon as i undressed her.

Nothing mistakes that newborn mustardy baby shit that leaked straight out of her bum, onto the white cotton sofa. Awesome.

she shat on me.

As I was cleaning said sofa, I then had soft, warm baby poo all down one left of my new pants I just got in the mail! Lucky they were black..

she shat on the purple set

As soon as they took her over to curl her into the cute newborn naked pose, she shat on the set. Then cried. Because my baby hates being naked.

she cried and sneezed constantly

She was HUNGRY for christ sakes .. and she was born cesar so she’s still trying to sneeze out all of the vernix and crap from inside her. Oh, and did I mention she was naked with strange people trying to arrange her into delicate little poses?

Evie after the shoot, fed and content at home. Angelic right?

she urinated all over the other side of me

In between shots, they brought her over to feed because she simply wasn’t settling, and as they picked her up and took her back the photographer looked at me and said “Oh, she’s wee’d on you”.

Seriously, I didn’t even feel the entire bladder worth of warm wet wee on me, which completely and utterly SOAKED my top and other leg.

So now I’m sitting here, on top of her poo on the sofa, covered in wee, poo and snot and watching two women helplessly try and make my usually incredibly chilled out baby relax and pose, and all she wants to do is eat and come back to her Mum.

Last night, we got one of the photos. It’s so bloody cute, but I know from being there that this is her “I just shat on the set” face.

Whoops.

Thanks to Sarah Ann Birth Photography for attempting to make my bub look gorgeous .. You succeeded of course, and I’m really sorry about your sofa. Seriously, send me the dry cleaning bill.